Confessions of a Restless Mind

If you want to know how someone is really doing, don’t ask “How are you?” Instead, ask, “How are you sleeping?” Sleep is the barometer of my life. It’s a window into the chaotic swirl of my thoughts, my stressors, and my lingering self-doubt.

If you ask how I’ve been sleeping, the honest truth is, “Not great”—at least, not all the time.

The Thoughts That Keep Me Up at Night 💤

It always starts innocently enough. I crawl into bed between 9:30 and 10:30 PM, aiming for those sacred 8–9 hours. My red lights are on, my blue light-blocking glasses are perched on my nose, and a gentle rainstorm soundtrack hums in the background. Yet, no matter how ready my body is to shut down, my brain insists on clocking in for the night shift.

Work is the usual culprit. Since I’m self-employed, my work bleeds into every facet of my life. The line between business and personal territories is laughable. I think about my clients and my online personal training brand. Am I doing enough? Are my current ideas working? How can I grow into something bigger? Fun fact about me—I came up with the idea for this blog at 1 AM. Making it even harder to disconnect is this primal drive to always create, to dream bigger than financial uncertainty and an unpredictable future.

Speaking of money, that’s another 1 AM guest star. From budgeting to bills to wondering whether my luxury-focused service can sustain itself long-term in a fledgling economy, my brain loves to spiral into dire projections.

And then, of course, it really does a number on me. Let's relive every mistake you've made. Awesome. Thanks, brain. While these mistakes are manageable during daylight hours, at night, those regrets and insecurities amplify, cloaked in the literal darkness around me. It’s like living in a personal portal to every dumb thing I’ve done, every missed opportunity weighing down my chest.

Top it off with some existential dread and a side order of health concerns about my reconstructed knee, hip, and missing ankle ligament, all spelling arthritic doom, and you have my perfect storm of restlessness. Suddenly, the existential thoughts creep in—is this what my purpose is? Am I wasting my potential? What happens after all of this? After life? What will my life look like in six months, six years, sixty years...?

Oh, and here’s the kicker: as these spirals continue, I get stuck in a loop. “If I can’t fall asleep soon, I’m going to feel like crap tomorrow!” That pressure to sleep keeps me awake. The irony is not lost on me.

My Love–Hate Relationship with Sleep

Here’s the truth. I know how important sleep is. It’s my foundation. A good night of rest transforms me into the best version of myself. When I sleep well, my mind is sharp, my energy is stable, and I breeze through the day without needing gallons of coffee. Everything feels effortless. Small annoyances, like bad drivers, roll off my shoulders. I crave healthier foods, show up for my workouts with intention, and a good sleep rhythm builds momentum into better habits.

But on the flip side, one bad night of sleep drags everything down. I’m irritable and snappy (seriously, step aside if you cut me off on the road). Brain fog settles in, making me struggle at work and with my clients. My energy dips, driving me toward pizza, burgers, and sugary quick fixes. My workouts become bare-minimum efforts. And guess what? The exhaustion from a bad night makes it harder to sleep again, trapping me in a vicious cycle I know too well.

For something we spend a third of our lives doing, sleep really does dictate how the other two-thirds play out.

How I Try to Sleep Better (Spoiler Alert: It’s a Work in Progress)

Over the years, I’ve experimented with my routines to find what helps. Some nights are more successful than others. Here’s my current toolbox for the elusive, perfect night's sleep (and yes, I’m painfully aware of the habits I still need to break):

• Blue Light Blockers: I wear nighttime glasses and keep my electronics on “night mode” with warmer tones to signal bedtime. The real goal should be getting off electronics altogether, but we’re working on it!

• White Noise: Rain and thunder are my go-to sounds, though I’ve been known to revert to Netflix as a sleepy-time crutch with comforting background shows like Friends or The Office. I know the screen isn’t helping, but hey, old habits die hard.

• Herbal Tea: There’s something soothing about ending the day with chamomile or another blend for winding down.

• Red Room Lighting: Keeping light levels minimal helps set the tone (quite literally).

• Cannabis (A Love–Hate Relationship): Full disclosure, I often rely on a small amount of cannabis to fall asleep. It’s been a part of my nightly routine since I was 22. While it helps short-term, I know it can lead to morning grogginess and dependency. When I travel and go without it, I notice how freeing it feels to not rely on anything external—I just need to get to that point in my daily life too.

It’s not perfect. I know there’s room to grow here. To break the bad habits, to continue building the good ones.

Why I Stay Committed to Better Sleep

Here’s the thing—I need sleep. My work, my energy, my focus, the way I show up in the world all depend on it. But wrestling with sleep has taught me something deeper.

It’s given me space to reflect on what’s really going on inside. My worries, my fears, my hopes, and my nagging doubts about who I am and where I’m heading all bubble to the surface at 1 AM. It’s raw and uncomfortable, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe it’s worth sitting with those thoughts instead of drowning them out with Netflix or overthinking my escape plan.

Because, in the end, the way I sleep will always reflect how I’m really doing. And as I work toward better rest, I’m also working toward a better version of myself.

If you’ve been struggling with sleep too, know you’re not alone. It’s a deeply human thing, this nightly tug-of-war between ourselves and our minds. And maybe, together, we can all inch closer to a night where rest comes easily, and our days feel lighter. Until then… here’s to the rain sounds, red lights, and countless cups of tea.