How to Fail at Fitness in 10 Easy Steps
Let’s cut the crap: succeeding at fitness is hard, and honestly, who has the time? You could be out there sweating your ass off, eating chicken and broccoli like a sad robot, and pretending to enjoy burpees—or you could just embrace the sweet, lazy mediocrity of failure.
Luckily, failing at fitness is much easier, and I’ve created the ultimate guide to screwing it all up. These 10 steps will ensure you stay out of shape, full of excuses, and comfortably parked on your couch with a bag of chips in hand. So sit back, relax, and let’s dive into the dumpster fire that is your fitness journey.
1. Set Unrealistic Goals (and Don’t Worry About the Plan to Get There)
Why aim for something realistic when you can set yourself up for a spectacular crash-and-burn?
Example: “I’m going to lose 50 pounds in two weeks, get a six-pack by next month, and also become a fitness influencer with 1 million followers by Friday.” Totally reasonable.
Bonus Tip: Don’t bother with boring stuff like habits or plans. Just write your goals on a sticky note, slap it on your fridge, and hope the universe magically turns you into a Greek god. Manifestation is all you need!
2. Skip Warm-Ups and Cool-Downs (Because No One Ever Got Hurt Jumping Straight Into Heavy Squats)
Warm-ups are for cowards. Real badasses dive straight into their max deadlift after sitting on their ass all day.
Cool-downs? Please. Just collapse on the floor and scroll Instagram. Stretching is for people who enjoy touching their toes (freaks).
Bonus: Skipping these steps guarantees you’ll pull something, which is a fantastic excuse to quit altogether. Nothing says “I’m done” like a torn hamstring.
3. Rely on Motivation Alone (Because Feelings Are the Best Personal Trainers)
Motivation is like that one-night stand who ghosted you—it’s fun while it lasts, but it’s never there when you actually need it.
Pro Tip: Always listen to your feelings. If you feel tired, skip the gym. If you feel hungry, eat the entire pizza. If you feel like lying on the floor and crying, well, that’s basically yoga.
Remember: Discipline is for suckers. Feelings never lie, and they definitely won’t screw you over.
4. Follow Every Fitness Trend You See on TikTok
Why stick to boring, proven methods when you can try the latest viral bullshit?
Examples:
The “Dry Scooping Pre-Workout Challenge” (because choking on powder is the new cardio).
The “Only Eat Ice Cubes Diet” (hydration AND weight loss—genius!).
The “Wall Sit While Holding a Cactus” trend (pain is temporary, but stupidity is forever).
Pro Tip: The dumber the trend, the better your chances of failing. Bonus points if it involves glitter, unnecessary props, or potential lawsuits.
5. Blame Your Lack of Progress on Genetics
“It’s not me, it’s my ancestors. They were built for survival, not six-packs.”
Bonus: This excuse works for everything! Can’t run a mile? Genetics. Can’t lift heavy? Genetics. Ate an entire cake? Definitely genetics.
Pro Tip: Spend more time researching your family tree than actually working out. Maybe you’ll discover you’re descended from a long line of professional nap-takers.
6. Eat Like a Toddler on a Sugar Binge
Nutrition is overrated. Just eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and call it “intuitive eating.”
Example: Breakfast: Pop-Tarts. Lunch: Chicken nuggets and mac & cheese. Dinner: Ice cream straight from the tub.
Pro Tip: Calories don’t count if you eat them standing up, in the car, or while crying. And don’t forget the golden rule: if it’s labeled “organic,” it’s basically a vegetable.
7. Never Weigh Yourself (Because If You Don’t See It, It’s Not Real)
Schrodinger’s Scale: If you never step on it, you can’t confirm whether you’ve gained weight or not.
Pro Tip: Avoid mirrors, tight clothing, and any form of accountability. Ignorance is bliss, and stretchy pants are your best friend. Bonus: If you don’t track your progress, you can always claim you’re “bulking.”
8. Compare Yourself to Instagram Models (and Eat the Cookie Anyway)
“Why don’t I look like someone who’s been photoshopped, airbrushed, and lit by a team of professionals?”
Pro Tip: Since you’ll never look like them, just give up and eat the cookie. Or the whole box. And while you’re at it, scroll through their profiles for hours to really hammer home how much better they are than you.
9. Overtrain Until You Burn Out (Because Rest Is for the Weak)
No pain, no gain, right? So just keep pushing until your body literally gives out.
Pro Tip: Sleep is for losers, and recovery is a myth. If you’re not limping out of the gym, did you even work out? Bonus: Overtraining guarantees you’ll hate exercise forever, which is a great excuse to quit.
10. Quit Every Time It Gets Hard (Which Is Always)
“I missed one workout, so I guess I’ll just quit forever.”
Other great reasons to quit:
You’re sore.
It’s raining.
The gym is too crowded.
You saw someone stronger than you, and it hurt your feelings.
You’re tired.
Mercury is in retrograde.
Pro Tip: Quitting is the easiest way to fail, so make it your go-to move.
Conclusion
So there you have it—10 easy steps to ensure you never succeed at fitness. Follow them religiously, and you’ll stay exactly where you are (or worse). Or, and hear me out, you could do the opposite of everything on this list and actually make progress. But hey, that sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it?